Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
home. puking in laundry basket.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
