If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
