I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
