Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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