i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
