Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
