so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
did you just send me my own nude
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
