he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
