no, he came in my armpit
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
