my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
