just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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