when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
