new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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