The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
