moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
