you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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