come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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