we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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