i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
