I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
