just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
