i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
