Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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