Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
