Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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