He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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