my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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