Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
