you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
