I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize