the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
