I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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