I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
