it's too hot outside to masturbate.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
