I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
