I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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