The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
