he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
