Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
