Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
