i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
