***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my phone needs a breathalizer
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
