she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
