insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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