youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
