nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
