if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Houston, we have a squirter
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
