I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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