We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
