??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
