I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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