I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
