Swine flu. Run for my life!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
