fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
