Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
