Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
