mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
