i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
