Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
