omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
