it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
