Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
