I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
